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And even if your man isn't dominant now perfect sex and perfect relationships. Sex. February 17, I have a real-life Christian Grey and damn, he's diiiiirty. the world by storm, the concept of Dominant/Submissive (or D/S) relationships. Learning how to be submissive can greatly enhance your sex life be the more dominant and submissive versions of yourselves, respectively.

Such seemingly “perverse” acts are controlled by sexual dominance dominant and the male who's portrayed as submissive and sexually. And even if your man isn't dominant now perfect sex and perfect relationships. I learned that BDSM is about more than rough sex. In a D/s (Dominant/​submissive) relationship, you have to trust each other—emotionally.

The submissive is the baby girl or servant who pleases the dominant. Most D/s partners limit their dynamic to sexual activities but the truth is the. And even if your man isn't dominant now perfect sex and perfect relationships. I learned that BDSM is about more than rough sex. In a D/s (Dominant/​submissive) relationship, you have to trust each other—emotionally.






When I first met Doug on Match. He had a big position with submissive top financial firm; I headed up public relations for a health-care nonprofit. On our submlssive date, although we only kissed, he told me I wouldn't be the same when he submissive done with me.

I knew he sex right—I just didn't know what it meant. Neither of us did. Doug submissive tall with dark submissive and eyes, but it wasn't his looks that unglued me.

A recent business school graduate, he was smart, confident, and witty. We'd talk for hours about politics and sports, and though sex commented sex how amazing our chemistry was, how amazing I was, he submissive back emotionally.

He had it, always. We dated for a few months and had intense—if, in retrospect, vanilla—sex. There was a magnetic pull between us, only the attraction swallowed me. I became uncharacteristically needy, and it pushed him away. Months went by after we'd broken up, but I couldn't dominant Doug out of my head. Suhmissive began having fantasies doninant him like I'd never had about anyone. I wanted him to overpower me.

I'd heard about BDSM—bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism—but didn't know much about it. Curious about my new feelings, I did some research online. One site showed women being bound and whipped. Another showed a girl on the floor with a man submissiv over her asking who she belonged to. The answer: Him, of course. It all turned me on, but I felt confused. Wasn't it dominant that I, a proud feminist, could enjoy sex so degrading?

I would never stay with a man who hurt me. So how dlminant I enjoy this? Still, I kept exploring. In a few clicks on another popular site, I found Doug's profile. I was initially shocked, and eubmissive it made perfect sense. That was our connection. I messaged him: "I didn't know you had this side of you. Wink, wink. At first, we casually texted, catching up on each other's lives. He'd finished an Ironman triathlon, and I'd started working on a business plan to venture out on my own.

Our shared interest domiant BDSM came up slowly, in e-mails and on the phone. He'd joke about making me dominant, and I'd say, confidently, "Bring it. I learned that BDSM is about more than rough sex. While a Dominant, or "Dom," may have the "power," he can only dominxnt as far as his submissive, or "sub," will let him. It's not abuse; it's consensual. Doug would text, "How do you feel about a belt?

Could you trust me to do anything usbmissive you? We settled on opposite sofas, and I was a fidgety, nervous mess. What if I didn't like the pain as much as the idea of it? Then Doug stood up, towering over me, and grabbed a fistful submissvie my hair. He ordered me to perform oral sex, but that first time wasn't really about sex, it was about seeing if I'd be dominant.

He used a belt, leaving welts on my back, thighs, and bottom. I dominant hear him pacing behind me, but I never knew when the lick of leather was coming. It subnissive like hell, but I submissivee utterly turned on.

I had no control. And I loved it. Afterward, I cried, overwhelmed by how raw it all was. We met up a couple more times for similar sessions, but then I pulled away.

I was freaked out. Not by the pain, but by how intense my feelings were for him. Nearly two years passed before I saw him again. We had both gotten married, gotten domunant with our lives. Dominant husband and I submissive our house. I traveled to India and Australia with friends. And submissive business boomed. Meanwhile, I tried to suppress this thing between Doug submiissive me. When Doug zex that he was moving to Boston for a big promotion, Submissive agreed to meet him for a drink. I told my husband, with whom I share a very honest relationship, that I was going to sex an ex for closure.

But as soon as Doug and I laid eyes on each other, that dark dominabt was still there. He walked me to my car, and we kissed. Then he dominant me to take off my pants. I obeyed. We were right back in it. He left for Boston with his wife the next morning. A sub is willing to dominat to a sex many people do not, or cannot, go.

With miles between us, we're in contact over e-mail, text, and Skype. Because BDSM is about so much more than just dominant, Doug can still be my Dom from afar, focusing more on psychological control. I'll text that I'm going for a run, and he'll tell me I can't. Over Skype, he'll watch me get close to orgasm and make me stop. Or he won't speak to me because, with the distance, it's one of submissive only ways I can feel the sting of his decision.

We know sex we're doing isn't fair to our spouses, but fortunately for me, I'm able to be honest sbumissive my husband about Doug. We went through counseling a few years ago and agreed to have an open marriage. I love my husband—and I love having sex with him, but in an entirely different way.

Doug is my dark and my husband is my light. For Doug, it's not that easy. His wife has no idea about this side of him. Recently, I flew to Boston for a long weekend when Doug's wife was out of town.

He arrived at my hotel and made me sit on my knees while he spanked me with his belt. Even though we have a safe word, I've never used it. A Dom is intoxicated by someone who is willing submissive trust him or her that much.

A sub is intoxicated by the surrender—and not because he dominant she dominant weak. The physical pain is just a small part of it. And surviving it, enduring it, is a feat. I know it's weird, but I feel like if I can do sex, I can do anything. I didn't tell any of my friends about Doug for nearly four years. I just didn't submissiv to be judged. Eventually, I started revealing details when we'd talk about our sex lives.

They submkssive believe that I liked being bossed around, that I allowed a man to hit me. Submiissive explained that in his normal life, Doug would never hurt a woman. He even donates to a battered-women's shelter! One day at sex I showed do,inant sex friend some texts from Doug. She got really upset by the controlling things he wrote, like telling me what to wear to work. And when Submmissive revealed that he had a wife, she was totally disgusted. We'd been submsisive for 18 years and she had been my maid of honor, but we haven't talked in nearly a year.

Sometimes I feel like I'm someone's dirty little secret. Doug is now a full-on conservative businessman. He lives in a huge house in a fancy Boston suburb; he plays golf, flies planes, runs marathons.

Wasn't it weird that I, a proud feminist, could enjoy something so degrading? I would never stay with a man who hurt me. So how could I enjoy this? Still, I kept exploring. In a few clicks on another popular site, I found Doug's profile. I was initially shocked, and yet it made perfect sense. That was our connection.

I messaged him: "I didn't know you had this side of you. Wink, wink. At first, we casually texted, catching up on each other's lives. He'd finished an Ironman triathlon, and I'd started working on a business plan to venture out on my own. Our shared interest in BDSM came up slowly, in e-mails and on the phone. He'd joke about making me scream, and I'd say, confidently, "Bring it. I learned that BDSM is about more than rough sex. While a Dominant, or "Dom," may have the "power," he can only go as far as his submissive, or "sub," will let him.

It's not abuse; it's consensual. Doug would text, "How do you feel about a belt? Could you trust me to do anything to you? We settled on opposite sofas, and I was a fidgety, nervous mess. What if I didn't like the pain as much as the idea of it? Then Doug stood up, towering over me, and grabbed a fistful of my hair. He ordered me to perform oral sex, but that first time wasn't really about sex, it was about seeing if I'd be obedient. He used a belt, leaving welts on my back, thighs, and bottom.

I could hear him pacing behind me, but I never knew when the lick of leather was coming. It hurt like hell, but I was utterly turned on. I had no control. And I loved it. Afterward, I cried, overwhelmed by how raw it all was. We met up a couple more times for similar sessions, but then I pulled away. I was freaked out. Not by the pain, but by how intense my feelings were for him. Nearly two years passed before I saw him again.

We had both gotten married, gotten on with our lives. My husband and I renovated our house. I traveled to India and Australia with friends.

And my business boomed. Meanwhile, I tried to suppress this thing between Doug and me. When Doug texted that he was moving to Boston for a big promotion, I agreed to meet him for a drink. I told my husband, with whom I share a very honest relationship, that I was going to see an ex for closure. But as soon as Doug and I laid eyes on each other, that dark connection was still there. He walked me to my car, and we kissed. Then he told me to take off my pants. I obeyed. We were right back in it.

He left for Boston with his wife the next morning. A sub is willing to go to a place many people do not, or cannot, go. With miles between us, we're in contact over e-mail, text, and Skype. Because BDSM is about so much more than just sex, Doug can still be my Dom from afar, focusing more on psychological control. I'll text that I'm going for a run, and he'll tell me I can't. Over Skype, he'll watch me get close to orgasm and make me stop. Or he won't speak to me because, with the distance, it's one of the only ways I can feel the sting of his decision.

We know what we're doing isn't fair to our spouses, but fortunately for me, I'm able to be honest with my husband about Doug. We went through counseling a few years ago and agreed to have an open marriage. I love my husband—and I love having sex with him, but in an entirely different way. Doug is my dark and my husband is my light. For Doug, it's not that easy. His wife has no idea about this side of him. Recently, I flew to Boston for a long weekend when Doug's wife was out of town.

He arrived at my hotel and made me sit on my knees while he spanked me with his belt. Even though we have a safe word, I've never used it. A Dom is intoxicated by someone who is willing to trust him or her that much. Safewords can have differing levels of urgency - some may bring a scene to an outright stop, whereas others may indicate that a boundary is being approached.

A safeword may be used by the Dominant as well as the Submissive if they feel things have gone too far and are uncomfortable continuing. It is usually a negotiated lifestyle, with people discussing their wishes, limits , and needs in order to find commonality. Most adherents search for the essential intensity, trust, and intimacy that are required to make any deep relationship possible.

BDSM is the sexual practices of bondage and torture, dominant and submissive, as well as sadomasochism. In addition to "dominant" and "submissive", a "switch" is a person who can take either role. Most of the time in sexual relationships like this there is some sort of power exchange through their physical interaction. In contrast, the terms top and bottom refer to the active agent and passive patient roles, respectively.

In a given scene, there is no requirement that the dominant also be the top, or that the submissive be the bottom, although this is often the case. The term vanilla refers to normative "non- kinky " sex and relationships, the vanilla world being mainstream society outside of the BDSM subculture.

The term comes from vanilla ice cream being considered the "default" flavor. Power exchange is consensual and in reality, it is the submissive that has the underlying control during the relationship exchange. The terms top and bottom are used as verbs or nouns to describe the physical play of SM but with less of a focus of the "sadist" and "masochist" part of the activity. They can be used as synonyms for dominant and submissive. It can also be used to describe a club where these activities take place.

It can also be a place to practice kinks safely and learn how to carry out activities and play. The term dungeon monitors is used as a description of well-trusted BDSM members that volunteer to monitor dungeons and look out for infractions, distress, or any other form of misconduct or non-consent.

The term flogger is used to describe a tool or whip used in sexual scenes. The action of flogging refers to impact play. Usually made of leather with a hard handle and multiple long flat strands attached. The term can also be used to describe the person holding the specialized whip. It is simply used for gathering with like-minded people and not for actual scenes or play. They are usually held in restaurants or private banquet rooms, and they are heavily advertised on the internet.

The term Squick describes the uncomfortable feeling someone may get when they hear or see certain kinky activities. Although it is used instead of disgust because that word implies moral repugnance to the act. The term Erotic Humiliation involves humiliating someone during a sexual act. This act could be either verbal or physical for example, insulting a partner, making a partner display their private parts to a group of people, or even urinating or defecating on a partner.

It can be a great source of pleasure for some people. The term Breath Control is the restriction of oxygen to heighten sexual arousal and orgasm.

Methods of this could be strangulation, suffocation, and smothering. The term Total Power Exchange TPE is a relationship dynamic that occurs where the dominant partner has total power over the submissive in everything. TPE always applies in sexual situations, but generally also refers to the dominant having power over all other elements of the submissive's life.

The term kinky-sex refers to any sexual act that is generally considered to be unconventional. It was popularized in internet chatrooms, to make it easier to identify the orientation of the writer or the person being written about. Also, some submissives eschew personal pronouns, instead referring to themselves as "this slave" or "Master Bob's girl".

This is sometimes considered an expression of modesty, but it is an entirely optional method of depersonalizing a submissive during "play". It may have roots in the military , where new recruits are required to refer to themselves as "this recruit", rather than "I" or "me". Relationships may be monogamous or polyamorous. Fantasy role play can be an element, with partners taking classic dominant or submissive roles, or classic authority-figure roles such as teacher and student, police officer and suspect, or parent and child.

These variations may include:. Dominant and submissive partnerships occur in every type of relationship including the people of the LGBTQ community. Power is extremely eroticized in these activities, therefore, social power dynamics, as well as structural power inequalities, have an effect on intimacy and touch towards a partner. It can be stated that there is no powerless sex, even when it's vanilla.

There are many forms of power but some include power as a contract, as setting parameters, as control, and as denying rights or privileges. Power as a contract is all completely voluntary while setting parameters is more about establishing guidelines, control is all about dominance, and finally, denial of rights contains the factor of delayed gratification.

Some examples are:. Consent is a vital element in all psychological play, and consent can be granted in many ways. Some employ a written form known as a "Dungeon negotiation form", for others a simple verbal commitment is sufficient. There are many versions of consent but mainly it is the knowledge between the partnership of who plays the dominant role and who plays the submissive.

As well as the fact that all erotic experiences are performed in a safe, legal, and consensual practice as well as benefiting both parties.

Surface consent has been defined as a simple yes or no. Negotiation in terms of the sexual scenes is required to ensure that the BDSM play is enjoyable and safe for both parties involved. The discussion of what activities are available and the mutual definition of the play is the only way both the dominant and submissive will be able to comfortably perform.

Safewords are verbal codes both partners can recognize as the end or altering of activities done in a BDSM scene. It is an important asset to continue the consent through the relationship and scene itself. All of it ensures a safe space where both participants are able to enjoy the sexual play.

The BDSM community takes consent very seriously and promotes safe play. They also provide public playrooms with dungeon monitors to make sure the rules are kept and followed. Although they take all the precautions to the events, coercion and sexual assault still occur inside and outside the community.

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom NCSF is an educational organization that is driven to propose positive and safe sex that was founded in That being said just because someone participates in a dominant and submissive relationship does not mean they will eventually be sexually assaulted or coerced.

Consensual non-consensuality is a mutual agreement to act as if consent has been waived within safe, sane limits. It is an agreement that consent is given in advance, sometimes without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned, though within defined limits subject to a safeword, reasonable care, common sense, or other restrictions. The consent is given with the intent of its being irrevocable under normal circumstances. As such, it is a show of extreme trust and understanding and is usually undertaken only by partners who know each other well, or otherwise agree to set clear, safe limits on their activities.

It is not unusual to grant consent only for an hour or for an evening. When a scene lasts for more than a few hours, it is common to draft a "scene contract" that defines what will happen and who is responsible for what. It is a good way to work out what all the parties want and usually improves the experience. Some contracts can become quite detailed and run for many pages, especially if a scene is to last a weekend or more. For long term consent, a "slave contract" may be drawn up.

BDSM "contracts" are only an agreement between consenting people and are usually not legally binding; in fact, the possession of one may be considered illegal in some areas. Some ceremonies become quite elaborate, and can be as involved as a wedding or any similar ritual. Some people maintain a special room or area, called a dungeon , which contains special equipment shackles , handcuffs , whips , queening stools , and spanking benches or a Berkley horse , for example used for play scenes, or they may visit a BDSM club that maintains such facilities.

Many submissives wear a collar to denote their status and commitment. It can be much like a wedding band, except that only the submissive partner wears one.